Ask troutlips

A place for regulars and new visitors to talk about whatever comes to mind. An opportunity to share your 'non-surf' wisdom with the rest of us.

Ask troutlips

Postby troutlips » Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:56 pm

any questions about anything weird , strange, odd, or even normal shit Im here and willing to help. just drop me a post .
maybe your cat ate jim bowens wig.
maybe you've ate jim bowens wig.
maybe you want to befreind your local butcher.
maybe your wifes befreinded your local butcher.
maybe you found an eighty year old man living under your carpet.
maybe your that eighty year old man and like living there.
maybe you like taking photos of dead sea creatures.
maybe you are a dead sea creature .
whatever the question Im here to help. :D :D :D :D :D :lol: :P :lol:
love talking pish tae fish
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Postby thedeadly » Sat Feb 05, 2005 10:47 pm

hello - i'm a dead sea creature (not, mind you, a creature who lives in the dead sea) and was wondering how to get an 80 yr old man (prefferably a butcher, or his nephew) to live under my carpet

thanks in anticipation :?:
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Postby troutlips » Sat Feb 05, 2005 11:22 pm

thedeadly wrote:hello - i'm a dead sea creature (not, mind you, a creature who lives in the dead sea) and was wondering how to get an 80 yr old man (prefferably a butcher, or his nephew) to live under my carpet

thanks in anticipation :?:
Well Im glad you ased this question.
on being a carcass of a dead sea creature (not living in the dead sea) you will be aware of a place called carcass island , it's a place where all the other carcasses and deadbeats hang around and hang around (on hooks that is) after hanging there for a short while you will notice the carcass of the dead bull , wait until he drags his sorry ass home and follow him. he will then lead you back to the butchers shop. conceal yourself in the rotting fish section and wait until the butcher goes home and follow him,
on ariving at his house you will hide in his back shed , once he falls asleep steal his cat and his keys. go back to your plaice and let his cat urinate quite alot on your stair carpet.
when the man wakes up and goes for his morning paper he will return to be locked out ,thinking he's at the wrong house he follows his nose for the smell of urine (remember he is 80 and his bladder is totaly fucked) he ends up at yours and hey presto crawls under your stair carpet . hope thats some help :D :D :D :D :D :lol:
Last edited by troutlips on Sat Feb 05, 2005 11:33 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby dt83aw » Sat Feb 05, 2005 11:23 pm

my wife did befriend the local butcher...now they both live under the carpet!

so troutlips, what the best thing for removing blood from one's clothing?...
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Postby troutlips » Sat Feb 05, 2005 11:29 pm

dt83aw wrote:my wife did befriend the local butcher...now they both live under the carpet!

so troutlips, what the best thing for removing blood from one's clothing?...
mmmm
reclaim the butchers shop as he will need it no more, knowone will notice any of your bloodstained clothes as you work in your new found :D butchers shop :D
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Postby smelly skater » Sun Feb 06, 2005 9:38 am

:D hello mister troutlips can u tell me if im going to get a wave tomorrow at my local :wink:
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Postby troutlips » Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:01 am

smelly skater wrote::D hello mister troutlips can u tell me if im going to get a wave tomorrow at my local :wink:
yes you will but it will not be epic ,about 3.5 ft
ps watch out for goatboaters at mid tide :D
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Postby smelly skater » Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:10 am

:roll: cheers mister troutlips your a legend :wink: :D
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Postby Bigjohn » Sun Feb 06, 2005 2:52 pm

Hello Mr Troutlips. Could you please tell me who put the bop in the bopshoowopdeewop and who put the rem in the remalemadingdong, cheers, Bigjohn
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Postby thedeadly » Sun Feb 06, 2005 3:49 pm

mr troutlips

can you do maths - if so can you please do this little division sum for me as i cant do it - it must be acurate to at least 847,639 decimal places
- thanks - heres the sum

22 / 7 = ????

thanks again
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Postby Hokusai » Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:43 pm

Mr Troutlips, could you tell me if the Spice Girls are reforming, and if they are, what can I do to stop them?
Last edited by Hokusai on Sun Feb 06, 2005 8:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Garthy » Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:56 pm

Mr troutlips,

My hair is loosing its shine and and i'm starting to suffer from split ends and clumps of hair falling out. What would you recommend to use to repair my hair so that it retains it youthful shiny state??

I had thought of rubbing it in seaweed - would this help? Or would the fur of a dead animal be useful to cover my bald patches?
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Postby troutlips » Sun Feb 06, 2005 8:05 pm

Bigjohn wrote:Hello Mr Troutlips. Could you please tell me who put the bop in the bopshoowopdeewop and who put the rem in the remalemadingdong, cheers, Bigjohn
little jimmy of course :D
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Postby troutlips » Sun Feb 06, 2005 8:08 pm

thedeadly wrote:mr troutlips

can you do maths - if so can you please do this little division sum for me as i cant do it - it must be acurate to at least 847,639 decimal places
- thanks - heres the sum

22 / 7 = ????

thanks again
3.14285719885969 ouraboros :wink:
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Postby troutlips » Sun Feb 06, 2005 8:13 pm

Hokusai wrote:Mr Troutlips, could you tell me if the Spice Girls are reforming, and if they are, what can I do to stop them?
thay are not reforming but playing a charity event on june 21 2008

mmmmmmmmmmm stoping them is another kettle of fish as scary spice's minge put out a right pong and getting close is near impossible .
sniper rifle should do the trick :D
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Postby troutlips » Sun Feb 06, 2005 8:18 pm

Garthy wrote:Mr troutlips,

My hair is loosing its shine and and i'm starting to suffer from split ends and clumps of hair falling out. What would you recommend to use to repair my hair so that it retains it youthful shiny state??

I had thought of rubbing it in seaweed - would this help? Or would the fur of a dead animal be useful to cover my bald patches?
replace it with a shiney coat of skin and knowone will know the difference :D
Last edited by troutlips on Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby lostboy » Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:01 pm

Dear Mr Troutlips,

If I wear a hat fashioned out of tin foil will it make the voices go away?
Kill. Destroy. Plunder.
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Postby ChomskyWho? » Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:37 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

what a great thread, hours of fun......
I want a break from the modern mentality
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Postby troutlips » Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:47 pm

lostboy wrote:Dear Mr Troutlips,

If I wear a hat fashioned out of tin foil will it make the voices go away?
make sure you don't use baco foil as this amplifies the voices , use the cheap stuff.
ps. if the voices continue , do what thay tell you but leave out the dog alone. :D
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Postby troutlips » Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:49 pm

ChomskyWho? wrote::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

what a great thread, hours of fun......
this is the outlet i need . ramblings with a help twist :D
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Postby thedeadly » Mon Feb 07, 2005 1:18 am

troutlips has found his niche !!!!
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Postby troutlips » Mon Feb 07, 2005 7:00 am

thedeadly wrote:troutlips has found his niche !!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :lol: :wink:
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Postby Bigjohn » Mon Feb 07, 2005 7:38 am

Dear Mr Troutlips.
I have a "friend" who finds himself strangely attracted to "Wee Jimmy Krankie" .Do you have any advice that would help my "friend"?

P.S. I seem to be developing a case of Diphallicterrata but I am too embarassed to go to the doctor about it. Can you suggest a home cure?
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Postby okerre » Mon Feb 07, 2005 9:22 am

This is kind of Salvador Dali crossed with Monty Python on acid...... :shock:


Well spank my butt and call me nancy.......just trying to get into the spirit of things
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Postby Hokusai » Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:18 am

Mr Troutlips, Will A1 ever have a decent forum?
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Postby troutlips » Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:57 am

Hokusai wrote:Mr Troutlips, Will A1 ever have a decent forum?
not until the year 2525 but even then it will be shite :lol:
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Postby troutlips » Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:05 am

Bigjohn wrote:Dear Mr Troutlips.
I have a "friend" who finds himself strangely attracted to "Wee Jimmy Krankie" .Do you have any advice that would help my "friend"?

P.S. I seem to be developing a case of Diphallicterrata but I am too embarassed to go to the doctor about it. Can you suggest a home cure?
Tell your freind to hang around the local beanstock waiting for wee jimmy to fall. when he, she falls he can break her fall by catching her in his pocket , thay will fall in love and live a shit life ever after. :lol:
as for yourself try a shoehorn and some baking soda mixed with bleach :wink:
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Postby Grizzly » Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:13 pm

Trouty, me old fruit, I have a coupla questions for ya!
1. How can I make my pet bangyam ride a llama? Is it necessary to actually possess a real llama, or will an imaginary one do just as well?
2. In MathCAD, can I use a solve block with a minimize() function within a for..next loop?

cheers dude!
Gorau dial, dangos cwm a'i ffadau.
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Postby troutlips » Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:28 pm

Grizzly wrote:Trouty, me old fruit, I have a coupla questions for ya!
1. How can I make my pet bangyam ride a llama? Is it necessary to actually possess a real llama, or will an imaginary one do just as well?
2. In MathCAD, can I use a solve block with a minimize() function within a for..next loop?

cheers dude!
an imaginary one will do fine but remember and feed it three times a day rub marmite on its ass and your bangyman will go into a lust frenzie. :wink:

you can use a solve block but the llama has to control the function :D :wink:
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Postby Grizzly » Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:32 pm

Cheers Trouters! *passes smoke* :lol: :lol:
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