The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

[Kamikaze]

I think it's supposed to be pink not blue.

I confess I did laugh when i first heard it, but I was about 14.

[Philshoz]

My wife was worried about an appointment with her gynaecologist but he gave her the thumbs up...............

[danny1]

Whats 18inches long, blue and makes women scream?

Cot-death

I liked this one for a first post from someone who has made no other posts since. Registered just to post that joke

Haha what a legend!!!

[Kamikaze]

After fucking Jordan the other day there are 2 comments I'd like to make:

1/ Her gash isn't half as big as everyone makes out.
2/ Such actions get you thrown out of Madame Tussauds.

[Back to Top]

Few texts I have recently received so apologies if you've heard them.............

Anal sex is a lot like my first car
I didnt want it but my Uncle Bert gave it to me anyway!


My girlfriend packed her bags and left me due to my fetish of inserting pasta up her arse..
I'm feeling cannelloni right now............

My missus turned to me during the funeral of her mother and hissed "I'm gonna make you f***ing pay for this later!"
For the life of me I couldnt think what i had done, perhaps it was because I wasnt sharing my popcorn?

My wife is leaving because I am so arrogant.....
I told her to close the door on her way back in!

My wifes sister knocked me out yesterday.
What sort of sick bitch puts Chloroform in her dirty knickers?

Just been offered a Job by this bloke, £600 per week working for the Brittle Bone society
Snapped his f***ing hand off!!

[danny1]

^^^ nice!!! ill be passing a few of them arounds

[Kamikaze]

I came home today and shouted "WIFE, PREPARE FOR ANAL DESTRUCTION!!!...


...I've just bought toilet roll from the pound shop."

[Back to Top]

3 black men in the dock.
The first is given life for being in possession of a gun.
The second is given 2 life sentences for being in possession of a gun and a knife.
The third is given a life sentence for being in possession of 59p in his pocket.


When questioned, the Judge commented that, although he wasn't in possession of a gun or knife, in his opinion, he was saving up for one..

[Kamikaze]

Oh my God, they sacked Kenny!

You Bastards!



Mind you Liverpool fans have always thought of Kenny Dalglish as one of their own, a bond that's sure to grow even stronger now that he's unemployed.

[Kamikaze]

After I've finished masturbating, I like to sit on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.

[ATTMFKH]

[Kamikaze]

Georgia Davis, the 63 stone teenager, has been quoted saying 'I want to get married one day.'

That's all well and good, but she would need Google Earth to take the wedding photos.

[Chris F]

"Jesus loves you" - sounds great said in church, not so great in a Mexican prison.

[ATTMFKH]

I love being bi-polar it's crap

[tehraab]

Again, these may be old but im bored stiff at work so -

Experts say giving your children a little smack every now and again does not harm them. Amy Whinehouse's dad may disagree!


Whitney Houston won an impressive six grammys in fourteen years... slightly less impressive was her recent attempt at at six grams in fourteen minutes.

I felt shit today. I must stop buying tesco value toilet paper

I was showing my doctor a nasty rash on my cock today, he seemed pretty uncomfortable and did'nt want to touch it. He said "make an appointment for monday morning" then carried on pushing his shopping trolley around Morrissons.

[danny1]

My sense of humour cost me my job at the furniture store today. A customer asked "Do you have any stools?"...

so I shat on the floor.

[Kamikaze]

Police hunting the Twitter Troll who racially abused Ashley Young and Ashley Cole are appealing for help in locating the Twitter user known as @JTChelseacaptain

[Back to Top]

The Government has advised us to be extra careful we are not being sold fake tickets for the upcoming Olympics.
Just checked mine for the Men's wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.

Took the wife to the Docs to sort out her Tourettes, turns out I am a c\/nt and she DOES want me to fuck off!

Had a minutes silence following my wifes death, Then Unfortunately the paramedics brought her back to life!

My missus ssaid switching off her mothers life support machine was the hardest thing she has ever had to do.
She's obviously never tried sneezing whilst holding a full pint.

I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an Online dating site.
Lying bitch aint "fun to be around!"

[ATTMFKH]

I met 2 hot Thai girls on holiday and they wanted a 3-sum. They said it would be the best; as good as winning the lottery. They were right! We went to my room, got undressed and we had six matching balls…………….

[tehraab]

A clip of someone doing your mom

[Kamikaze]

Thanks to "50 Shades of Grey" my wifes Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna!

[Kamikaze]

Last summer I was on holiday with my wife in Vegas.

On our last night we were having cocktails in the hotel bar when I realised that a rather dapper businessman kept looking over and staring at my wife. At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me.

"Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at your wife", he said, exuding confidence. "Tell me, are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal?"

"Well y-y-yes", I stammered, trying to mask the excitement in my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for one night with my wife?"

"No way!" He laughed. "I just wanted to tell you that she looks exactly like Robert Redford."

[danny1]

Hahaha

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking. It scared the hell out of me! So that's it, after today, no more reading.

[majordom]

was the new batman film really that bad ?

[roberdy]

was the new batman film really that bad ?

Someone on Facebook posted that they can't believe how sick some people are, I replied "I know, imagine going to a batman film"

[Philshoz]

"I know, imagine going to a batman film"

I sentence you to one month in Australia.................

[Kamikaze]

so....when the machines rise up against the humans....I REALLY hope I'm nowhere near a dildo factory....

[Kamikaze]

My wife said, "You treat the dog with more respect than you treat me!"

I replied, "Well, what do you expect? When was the last time you fetched me my slippers? Or licked my balls while I'm wanking?"





I was at an S&M party with my cock in this woman's arse and she moaned, "Aren't you going to spank me?"

It was at that point I realised I'd forgotten my toys.

"For fuck's sake," I thought to myself. "I'm up shit creek without a paddle."

[Kamikaze]

I just heard on the news, It's official Cliff is no longer a virgin.

He just fucked a woman in Dorset.

[danny1]

To neigh or not to neigh? That is equestrian