The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:21 pm

Paddy walks past a new pub and sees a sign outside saying:
Pies 70p...
Wanks £1...
So he decides to go in and investigate. He gets up to the bar and there stands a stunning blonde.
Paddy asks "Do you give the Wanks?"
"Yeah I do," she replies in a seductive voice.
"Well wash your hands, I want a pie."
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:22 pm

A priest asked the Pope if it is okay to have sex with young boys. The Pope said, "It's legal, when they've left school." The priest said, "' roll on 4 o'clock!"
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:24 pm

Woman goes to doctors & says "Everytime I take my bra off a man pops up between my tits pulling stupid faces"
Doc says "Oh that's quite common. You must have sillycunt implants"
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:25 pm

Man walks into a chemist shop: "I'd like some deodorant please." 'Ball or aerosol?' "No, it's for my armpit
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Sun Feb 05, 2012 7:57 am

I can't wait for Heather Mills to launch her own beer.

I love slightly hoppy, not quite full bodied and bitter ales.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Mon Feb 06, 2012 12:29 pm

Apparently Jordan is claiming Harvey Price is showing signs of becoming a 'promising young artist'.

However, others just call it 'smearing his own shit on the bathroom wall'
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Fri Feb 10, 2012 12:15 pm

Don't make the mistake I did.

I met two sisters at a party and asked where Cinderella was.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Fri Feb 10, 2012 4:00 pm

Boob is the only word in English which contains full 3D view of the object.
Top view: B. Front View: oo. Side view : b
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Sun Feb 12, 2012 1:05 pm

Lets get em out of the way!

Whitney Houston to star in her new film. The Bodybag.




Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor.

Personally I think she made the right decision.


Whitney Houston won an impressive six Grammys in fourteen years.

Slightly less impressive was her recent attempt at six grams in fourteen minutes.



First Amy Winehouse, now Whitney Houston, Columbia has a tough financial year ahead.



what's pink and sits on the doormat?
whitney houston's valentines cards
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:18 pm

I saw six men taking it in turns to have sex with a woman in the park last night.

After they finished she looked at me and said, "Why didn't you bother doing anything?"

"Because I've got a girlfriend" I replied, "And besides, you're a bit too slutty for me."
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:18 pm

What's the difference between a Diva and a diver?

Only one of them can breathe underwater.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Fri Feb 17, 2012 12:28 pm

Similar to your pornstar name, Have you worked out your 'arsehole' name yet? Replace your first name with the word 'Piers' and your second with the word 'Morgan'.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:16 am

old one but good one...resurected due to todays news that nelson mandela been rushed to hospital- oractice your chinese accent!

Nelson Mandela is sitting on the verandah at home when there is a knock at the front door. He is surprised when he opens the door to find a small Chinese man holding a clipboard.

The China man thrusts the clipboard towards Nelson and says "You sign, You sign" Looking over the China man's shoulder he notices the delivery mans lorry which is full with gearboxes. Again the China man shouts "You sign, You sign".

Confused but certain that this can not be right Mr. Mandela refuses to sign for the delivery and sends the driver packing.

The following day there is another knock at the door, again it is the small Chinese delivery man. "You sign, You sign" he barks. This time Nelson notices that the lorry is carrying a cargo of rear axles. Again the delivery driver thrusts the clipboard under Nelson's nose "You sign, You sign".

This is not for me Mr. Mandela tells the excited delivery driver, now FUCK OFF! and he closes the door.

The next afternoon the Chinese man is again on the doorstep with his clipboard, "You sign, You sign" Beside himself with anger Mr. Mandela glances at the mans lorry and notices that todays consignment is windscreens.

"You sign, You sign" and again the clipboard is thrust in to his face.

At the point of despair Nelson screams at the China man "THE GEAR BOXES WERE NOT FOR ME! THE REAR AXLES WERE NOT FOR ME! I DO NOT WANT THESE WINDSCREENS! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING AT MY HOUSE?

The Chinese man replies "You Nissan Main Dealer?"
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby tehraab » Mon Feb 27, 2012 4:30 pm

A man walks upto a girl in a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink.
Guy: You remind me of my little toe
Girl: Is that because i am small and cute?
Guy: No, it's because i'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table

-------------
Guy1: What are you so fat?
Guy2: Because everytime i shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit


I am here all day folks!
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby ATTMFKH » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:03 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: that 2nd one made me laugh like fuck :lol: :lol: :lol:
Are We Too Deep ...............
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Chris F » Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:49 am

Didn't an Aussie cricketer first use it in response to some sledging on the pitch?
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:29 pm

Chris F wrote:Didn't an Aussie cricketer first use it in response to some sledging on the pitch?


one of em was asked hows your wife and my kids, the reply was my wife is fine, your kids are retarded.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby surfinsmiler » Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:38 pm

Chris F wrote:Didn't an Aussie cricketer first use it in response to some sledging on the pitch?

Think it was Shane Warne to Tuffers?
Started out in life with nothing and I've still got most of it left!
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby ATTMFKH » Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:50 pm

I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded :-|
Are We Too Deep ...............
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:25 pm

Well, single again. My lass was stood at the front door with her bags and said "I'm leaving you because of your strange sexual requests"

I replied "That's fine, but could you slam the door on my cock as you leave?"
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Zac Gibson » Thu Mar 08, 2012 11:25 pm

I'm making a new reality show. We go to a shit hole in England, take a few trouble-making kids and put them through military training to straighten them out.

The Kony Way is Essex starts this summer
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:58 pm

As part of a school project on cultural diversity my son invited a local Korean family round for dinner.

The school reckon it's the first case of the homework eating the dog they'd ever come across.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:45 am

I battered a girl to death with a hardback book after she started taking the piss out of me.

The irony, it was To Kill a Mockingbird.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:47 am

I was having sex with a heavily pregnant woman last night when she shouted, "the babies coming!"

"The kinky little bastard," I replied.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby pontaj » Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:58 pm

Whats 18inches long, blue and makes women scream?

Cot-death
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Thu Apr 12, 2012 2:22 pm

"Stop that, I'm blushing," said my Asian girlfriend when I spanked her arse. I spanked it again just to annoy her.

She instantly said,"I told you to stop! I'm blushing my teeth!!"
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Wave4Surf » Thu Apr 12, 2012 6:54 pm

Which plant is deadly if you sit to long under it?











A water lily
Still waiting for the day with a nice well, good temperature and me being at the beach - season start
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby danny1 » Fri Apr 13, 2012 8:54 am

leave now. never come back.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby The Decorator » Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:04 am

danny1 wrote:leave now. never come back.
First one thats made me laugh for ages.... Oh hang on... it's not a joke is it...?? :laughing6:
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT RUDE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby swiggy » Fri Apr 13, 2012 6:15 pm

pontaj wrote:Whats 18inches long, blue and makes women scream?

Cot-death


I liked this one for a first post from someone who has made no other posts since. Registered just to post that joke
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