The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

A place for regulars and new visitors to talk about whatever comes to mind. An opportunity to share your 'non-surf' wisdom with the rest of us.

Postby Henry86 » Thu Jul 13, 2006 2:38 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby sol » Wed Jul 19, 2006 4:22 pm

A little black boy dies and goes to heaven.
When he meets God, God gives him a pair of wings and tells him to go away.
The little boy asks God, does this mean i'm an angel,
God replies, no you stupid twat,



Your a bat.
"A man of few words.........A man of many thoughts"
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Postby MattH » Fri Jul 21, 2006 12:52 am

Three gays are sitting in a hot tub. A blob of seamen appears, floating in the middle. One of them asks "Okay, who farted?"
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Postby munkee » Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:05 pm

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Postby slip dog » Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:55 pm

A chav girl go`s to the Doctor complaining of a green rash between her inner thighs.













Doctor takes one look and says "tell your brother his earrings are fake". :shock:
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Postby sol » Fri Jul 28, 2006 5:00 pm

A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first.
"Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course."
"What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Certainly," replies the doc, "where did you think chavs came from?"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"A man of few words.........A man of many thoughts"
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Postby surfer-dave » Fri Jul 28, 2006 5:39 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby Snowfun » Tue Aug 15, 2006 1:42 pm

its not foul just couldnt be arsed to search for normal joke thread...though it is so bad its foul also older than time i believe:-

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when suddenly...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally

wounded
but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath..
. . .

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....





"Ees.....









Ees.....









Ees.....





Ees, a Ham Bush"
if its not snow its water
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Postby Henry86 » Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:55 am

not offensive but couldn't be arsed to find the right thread

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive If the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
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Postby Henry86 » Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:58 am

Also a funny letter:

Subject: A letter...

Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to Cornwall together! Have a great life!


________________________________________________________________________



Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything, if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning and your negligee was £49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born
Carla...I hope that's not a problem.
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Postby surfer-dave » Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:15 pm

Ha! that is fucking classic!
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Postby Henry86 » Tue Aug 22, 2006 9:41 am

3 things you neva say in a gay bar:

Bugger me it's hot in here
F**k me this beer is cheap
and
Excuse me mat do you mind if i push your stool in a bit
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Postby Monkey_Alan » Tue Sep 12, 2006 12:44 pm

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
 He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
 Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass???"
 She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
When the shit goes down, you better be ready....
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Postby DizzyBone » Tue Sep 12, 2006 10:51 pm

Whats the most confusing day in the ghetto....??????????


















Fathers Day
])ïzz¥ £3óñé!!!!!!!
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Postby Span » Wed Sep 13, 2006 11:51 am

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man to get out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tieing the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this man is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."
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Postby Monkey_Alan » Thu Sep 21, 2006 2:52 pm

Not rude, but made me laugh

Peter Kay theories-
Some strange theories on everyday stuff
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8 ) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Everyone who has just read no.5 has just typed it into a calculator.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18 ) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27 ) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28 ) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
When the shit goes down, you better be ready....
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Postby johnny e » Sat Nov 25, 2006 7:35 am

what has a bible got in common with a cock?

They're both forced down your necks by priests.....

i'll get my coat.... :-)
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Postby banana_man2 » Mon Nov 27, 2006 3:56 pm

Again, not great but worth a chuckle:

>Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
>Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
>"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!", they say.
"I'll prove it," Murphy says..So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
>"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" :lol:
show me the money
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Postby fusionextreme » Mon Nov 27, 2006 10:53 pm

Definitely not racist myself but:

How long does it take a paki to have a shit?






9 months
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Postby jaques le cont » Mon Nov 27, 2006 10:59 pm

It's funny how racist comments are usually preceeded by "I'm definitely not a racist but."
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Postby goose_1989 » Mon Nov 27, 2006 11:13 pm

'im not saying all black people are like this but..'
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Postby swiggy » Mon Nov 27, 2006 11:50 pm

whats the best thing about fingering a gypsy?
you get your palms red for free!
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Postby noah's_arc » Tue Nov 28, 2006 8:55 am

fusionextreme wrote:Definitely not racist myself but:



And you're going to tell us you have lots of black friends now, right?

Loser

:evil: :evil:
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Postby johnny e » Tue Nov 28, 2006 3:59 pm

i think you'll find the thread title says DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED.
chill out ffs, it's only a school playground joke been doing the rounds since year .
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Postby jaques le cont » Tue Nov 28, 2006 4:07 pm

Okay.

I hope your family soon die from a slow death.
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Postby fusionextreme » Tue Nov 28, 2006 4:31 pm

noah's_arc wrote:
fusionextreme wrote:Definitely not racist myself but:



And you're going to tell us you have lots of black friends now, right?

Loser

:evil: :evil:


Chill out its a JOKE.
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Postby jaques le cont » Tue Nov 28, 2006 4:33 pm

You wouldn't say that if Ghandi was your Dad.
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Postby noah's_arc » Tue Nov 28, 2006 5:40 pm

fusionextreme wrote:
Chill out its a JOKE.


Laugh? I nearly did...

Wasn't really a great opening post, now was it?
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Postby goose_1989 » Tue Nov 28, 2006 5:41 pm

get a life 'noahs ark'

where you surf fusion extreme?
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Postby surfer-dave » Tue Nov 28, 2006 5:42 pm

Isn't fusion extreme a shaver? No worries anyway.
Not realy the best of opening threads, but live and learn aye :wink:
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