The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

[Kamikaze]

I can't make head nor tail of twitter, it's like everyone is speaking in code. And to be honest I can't think of a single person that I would be even remotely interested in reading their brainfarts.

Quite like the "beaten wife" version though, "Twatter"

[Kamikaze]

I had some bad news yesterday. My old friend Gavin died. Choked to death on a indigestion tablet.


It's hard to believe that Gavisgone...

[Kamikaze]

Have you heard about a computer virus which fills your internet history with hundreds of pornographic websites, then plants a folder somewhere on your hard drive containing over 5Gb of carefully-catalogued explicit images and videos?

If you have, please could you tell my wife that one definitely exists?

[Kamikaze]

I go to scat orgies every weekend.

I'm a real party pooper.

[Kamikaze]

My missus was so clever at school.

She got more A's than a scouser trying to break up a fight.

[Kamikaze]

And so, the beautiful woman kissed the frog, which sent the frog's wife to hospital with mental health issues.

[Kamikaze]

In a pub quiz a question was, "Who was the last royal to be executed."

Apparently, "Diana" wasn't the correct answer.

[Kamikaze]

Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.

Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.

[Kamikaze]

What's red and has 7 small dents in it?

Snow White's hymen.

[Kamikaze]

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .

[Kamikaze]

Some French politician claims that Paris is better than London which is why it gets more foreign visitors. Bollocks! The reason Paris gets more visitors is because it's much easier to get to. Just ask the Germans.

[Kamikaze]

The average man can fill a 500ml bottle with his cum in 2 weeks.

I had a very lonely Christmas.

[Kamikaze]

I dream of becoming a selfie photographer

I can Just picture myself doing it.

[Prince William]

Wow, you are still doing this?

Besides Danny 1, no one is paying attention, Kamikaze.

Have you booked any gigs at any comedy clubs yet?

Is this your original material?

Dude, you got to get to Hollywood.

[Kamikaze]

Wow, you are still doing this?

- Obviously yes.

Besides Danny 1, no one is paying attention, Kamikaze.

-- well technically you are. besides this is a nice place to store jokes for future reference, I'm not forcing anyone to read them.

Have you booked any gigs at any comedy clubs yet?

- we've been through this. copying and pasting off sickipedia, does not make me a comedian

Is this your original material?
- see above.

Dude, you got to get to Hollywood.
- no point. It's a well known fact that the Shermans have no sense of humor, as proved by your good self.

[Prince William]

[quote="Kamikaze"][quote="Prince William"]Wow, you are still doing this?

- Obviously yes.

Besides Danny 1, no one is paying attention, Kamikaze.

-- well technically you are. besides this is a nice place to store jokes for future reference, I'm not forcing anyone to read them.

Have you booked any gigs at any comedy clubs yet?

- we've been through this. copying and pasting off sickipedia, does not make me a comedian

Is this your original material?
- see above.


I applaud you on your American spelling of "humor." That must of hurt to stoop that low. Well done...well done.....Quite so...Quite so...

Ahh you missed that haven't you?

I love how you Brits say that we have no sense of humour(right back at you, babe). So, I reckon I wouldn't see your tele full of American situational comedies and your movie theaters stocking the latest Hollywood funny flicks, huh? Yeah, I reckon I wouldn't see that now would I? Quite so....quite so......

Ahhh don't worry youse guys, I'm just checking in to see how you loony guys are doing. Youse guys should come to an American surf predictin website forum to see if you have the stones. Ahh man, nothing but fights, bad attitudes, communication misfires, and loads of wackiness.

Alright, good evening to you, mate. Try not to drown this weekend.

[Kamikaze]

Congratulations to Lizzy Yarnold for winning Gold in the Winter Olympics. The expert coaching provided by David Beckham on how to ride the skeleton was invaluable.

[ATTMFKH]

[Chris F]

Superb

[Kamikaze]

So Roy Hodgson is in Brazil looking at the facilities.

He should be quite impressed with the leather sofas in the airport departure lounge.

[Kamikaze]

I walked into the Chinese with my wife "Hello, I've a table booked under the name of Smith" I told the waiter.

"Sorry sir, no booking under name of Smith" came the reply "We fully booked now".

"I believe there's been some sort of mistake" I protested "I booked this table a month in advance"

Then i realised we were in the Wong Foo King Restaurant.

[Kamikaze]

So Crimea has devised an independence referendum, voted, counted the votes and ratified the results ... all within 48 hours.

Makes the Scots' performance look pretty piss-poor.

[Kamikaze]

My iPhone seems to have disappeared.

Must be in airplane mode.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - -


People slag off BA for losing their luggage, but at least they don't lose the entire plane.

[Kamikaze]

I think the new shape pound coin is great.

You'll be able to use a spanner to get one out of a Scotsman's hand.

[Kamikaze]

I was a bit sceptical when I saw these no make-up selfies for cancer awareness, But as soon as I saw Holly Willoughby doing one I found myself checking my bollocks.

That's what I told the wife anyway.

[Kamikaze]

I've just been to a ventriloquist's funeral - they sang the hymn "All Things Gright And Geautikal!"

[Kamikaze]

I guess Gwyneth Paltrow finally got around to listening to Coldplay...

[Kamikaze]

What do you get when you cross Del Boy and Michael Barrymore?

Only pools and corpses

[Philshoz]

Fucking classic……Rose spit my man.

[Kamikaze]

What's the difference between golf and an orgy?

Whilst with both its possible to get through 18 holes in a few hours, with an orgy at least you don't look like a cunt in your trousers in the pub afterwards.