The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Mon Jun 02, 2014 4:10 pm

I was having sex with a bird last night when she said, "Do you think I'm tight?"

"Yes." I panted, "You're the tightest I've ever had."

"You really think so?" She gushed.

"Yes." I replied, "None of the other women I've been with wore Primark knickers."
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Sun Jun 08, 2014 7:19 pm

Schools now have Domestic Violence Prevention classes to teach girls how to stop themselves becoming victims of abuse by their partners.

We had something similar back in my day except back then it was called Home Economics.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Leven » Thu Jun 19, 2014 7:02 am

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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Mon Jun 30, 2014 6:06 am

I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger cunt.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's fucked now.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Tue Jul 01, 2014 11:29 am

After the trial started with a rendition of Jake the Peg, the judge today ended it with a rousing chorus of "Send the paedophile down, sport. Send the paedophile down."
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Thu Jul 03, 2014 1:10 pm

Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?


I didn't... I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Thu Jul 03, 2014 1:11 pm

I don't want to brag but unlike most men i need both hands for a wank .

One for the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers .
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Sat Jul 12, 2014 7:02 pm

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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:07 am

Does anyone know how to get a cum stain off a mattress?

Only Ikea are threatening to make me buy it.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Leven » Thu Jul 24, 2014 6:35 am

Don't know if this counts as a joke....but, a friend said this to me the other day about exercise:

If you're not sweating like a blind lesbian in a fishmongers, you're not doing it right....!
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Sat Aug 02, 2014 7:01 am

Anyone notice that Homeopaths Without Borders aren't exactly rushing to go tackle the Ebola outbreak?
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Sat Aug 02, 2014 7:02 am

With all this media attention on celebrity abuse during the 70's. I'd like to press charges against Pan's People who made me abuse myself at 7 o'clock every Friday night from the age of 11.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Tue Aug 19, 2014 6:15 am

You would have thought the women's rugby World Cup trophy would be furry so they all can have a drink out of it
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Tue Aug 19, 2014 6:16 am

I've just read an article on how dramatically footballers' wives lose their looks once their husbands retire.

It's a real WAGS to witches story.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Chris F » Tue Aug 19, 2014 8:58 am

Suddenly Clff Richard singing The Young Ones seems a bit wrong.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby ATTMFKH » Tue Aug 19, 2014 10:58 am

:lol: :lol: But that is where English law is f*cked up - 'if' the guy is innocent, his reputation / business is irrevocably damaged.

He is though :lol: :lol:
Are We Too Deep ...............
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Wed Aug 20, 2014 6:12 am

Cilla Black: "Cliff Richard never tried anything on with me"

Course he didn't

A) You're a woman.
B) You're 70 years too old for him.
3) You look like a ginger horse sucking a lemon.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Chris F » Wed Aug 20, 2014 10:52 am

:lol: :lol: at last one. Wiping coffee.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Philshoz » Wed Aug 20, 2014 11:07 am

Chris F wrote::lol: :lol: at last one. Wiping coffee.


^^ Too early for wine... :lol:
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Mon Aug 25, 2014 9:24 am

The 'ice bucket challenge.'

Or as it's called In Scotland, 'leaving the house.'
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Wed Aug 27, 2014 6:28 pm

Auto-correct made me say things I didn't Nintendo.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Thu Sep 04, 2014 7:19 pm

Marriage has really put my desires into perspective.

I started out hoping for anal sex, these days I'd settle for annual sex.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:44 am

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Wed Sep 10, 2014 3:31 pm

I never understood why airports have prayer rooms.

Then I found out I'd be flying with Malaysia Airlines on September 11th.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby c-lad fantastic » Sun Sep 14, 2014 9:19 pm

I met Eileen Paisley yesterday as she was coming out of the dentist, I asked her how her mouth was, she said "haven't you heard? he died"
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Tue Sep 30, 2014 6:12 am

I came home completely piss drunk and decided to surf some porn on my laptop.

It wasn't till half an hour later I realised I'd been wanking into a pizza box.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Mon Oct 06, 2014 6:18 am

If God didn't want us to have sex with goats why did he put the horns in such a handy position.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Fri Oct 10, 2014 3:24 pm

Mel B giving singing advice on the X-Factor?

Bit rich considering the only talent to ever come out of her mouth is Eddie Murphy's cock.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Fri Oct 10, 2014 3:24 pm

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
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Re: The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFE

Postby Kamikaze » Sat Oct 11, 2014 6:48 pm

The British man who was jailed for homesexual acts in Morocco describes prison as horrendous.

"Guards wearing white socks with black trousers, non organic produce in the canteen, last seasons prison wear and the total absence of mens skin care products at the prison shop. It was a never ending nightmare."
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