The foul Joke thread: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

A place for regulars and new visitors to talk about whatever comes to mind. An opportunity to share your 'non-surf' wisdom with the rest of us.

I was getting down on this girl the other night

Postby Snowfun » Thu Jan 19, 2006 10:24 am

I was getting down on this girl the other night

Whereupon I remarked
"You have a really HUGE vagina"
"You have a really HUGE vagina"

"You didn't have to say it twice" she replied
"I didn't"


:lol: BOOM BOOM
if its not snow its water
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Postby smoothy_boy » Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:29 pm

how can u tell E.T is a goat boater?
















cos he looks like one!!!!!





:roll:
enuff wi the philosophical bollox for now
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Postby smelly skater » Fri Jan 20, 2006 1:54 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir?" Asks the doctor.

"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the car"
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Postby Snowfun » Fri Jan 20, 2006 1:56 pm

:lol: :lol:
if its not snow its water
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Postby Snowfun » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:52 pm

this thread seemed to be losing its offensiveness ?? so all crap but hopefully one of them might offend you?

Q. What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A. Pilot, you racist cunt.

I was into necrophilia until some rotten cunt split on me.

why did hitler kill himself?
he saw the gas bill

whats black and blue an afraid of sex?
the small boy in my basement

what eats more pussy than a randy lesbian?
cervical cancer

whats small, red and hangs off the back of trains?
a mis-carriage

What's the funniest thing about Panto horses?
You have to shoot them twice.

An old man parks his car outside a school gate. A little boy walks past and the old man says; "Little boy, will you come in my car for a sweetie?"
The little boy replies; "No, but I`ll come in your mouth for a whole packet."

Caretaker at WTC sacked for leaving on the landing lights.

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a pain in my rectum"
So the doctor gets him to drop his trousers and has a look up his arsehole - he sees a £20 note, so he pulls it out, then he sees another, and another and another and so on until finally he puts down £1995 quid on his desk.
He says to the man, "did you know you had £1995 up your arse?",
"Ah, says the man, I knew I wasn't feelling too grand."

"What do you do if someone has a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing in quickly."
that ain't funny my grandfather died like that...

..he choked on a sock

*****************************

Similarity between George Best and Gary Glitter?
They both enjoy the occasional tot.
if its not snow its water
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Postby Monkey_Alan » Wed Jan 25, 2006 2:13 pm

When the shit goes down, you better be ready....
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Postby purpleandy » Sat Jan 28, 2006 11:11 pm

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and say's: "this is the pig i have to fuck when you'r not up for sex:
His wife say's: " I think you'll find that's a sheep".
The farmer say's " I think you'll find i was talking to the sheep".
CAMWA founding member - the campaign for warm ale. Bloody kiwis stick everything in the fridge........cold ale is just plain wrong.....
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Postby munkee » Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:17 pm

Did you know Jeremy Beadles cock is tiny?
.....On the other hand its fucking massive
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Postby jason555 » Mon Feb 06, 2006 9:21 pm

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
>this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
>personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
>with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
>shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
>Ben Hunt
>
>The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
>heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
>too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
>they'd make their minds up.
>John
>
>'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
>Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
>Colin Hill
>
>I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
>mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
>around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
>would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
>She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
>L Palmer, London
>
>The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
>pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
>from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
>stop breaking the law, so will I.
>P Boddington, Ringway
>
>Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
>like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
>m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
>P, Leeds
>
>On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
>the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
>correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
>Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I
>told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
>leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such
>appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
>Noel, Leeds
>
>My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
>cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark
>to make than this?
>Alun Daniel
>
>I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
>wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
>parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
>Alan Thakray
>
>Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
>Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
>
>On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
>Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
>obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
>Alan J., London
>
>Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
>Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
>climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
>get some faster cars.
>T Barnham, London
>
>Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
>patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
>Abu Hamsa.
>Les, Barnsley
>
>How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
>selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
>football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
>for the rich and another for the poor.
>Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
>
>The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
>Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
>me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
>poor sods?
>John Campbell, e-mail
>
>Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
>about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
>galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
>Mike Woods, e-mail
>
>With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
>soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
>couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly
>enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
>Shuggie, e-mail
>
>Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
>the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
>hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
>sense of humour.
>Chris Scaife, Jesmond
>
>I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
>Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
>isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
>Dave Owen, Edinburgh
>
>I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
>But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
>Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
>final breaths.
>Tripod
>
>I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
>is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
>Stan
>
>What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
>the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
>Thomas J
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Postby aussiegav » Fri Feb 10, 2006 10:45 pm

woman decides to have cosmetic surgery on her fanny, after 4 kids it got loose and airy.
she wakes up after surgery with 3 bunches of roses on her bed.
she asks the nurse, where did they come from?
nurse replies,
1 from yr husband,
2nd from yr surgeon, he reckons it's the best surgery he's done
3rd from the man in the burns unit, he'd like to thank you for his new ears....
What a load of twoddle..........
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Postby smoothy_boy » Sat Feb 11, 2006 12:17 am

a couple are getting ready to go out for the night when the woman looks at herself in the mirror and says to her husband "I'm getting old, fat and wrinkly..... I feel so down, pay me a compliment to help me feel better". the man takes a look at his wife and says " well yer eyesight is spot on"
enuff wi the philosophical bollox for now
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Postby aussiegav » Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:25 am

woman goes to dr and asks how can she get bigger tits without surgery, he gives her some toilet paper.
'how's this going to make them bigger?' she asks.
'well it certainly has worked for your arse' says dr.
What a load of twoddle..........
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Postby danny1 » Sat Feb 11, 2006 11:22 pm

what do you call the singer with the early eighties singer with the miami sound machine who has two minges?

gloria extra-fan
yak yak yak yak yak yak yak
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Postby johnny e » Mon Feb 13, 2006 8:32 am

a man walks into a pub with a big smile on his face.

Barman : you look happy, have you just won the lottery?

Man : Nope. i've just rescued a woman from a railway line and she let me f**k her all night.

Barman : Wow, did she suck you off too?

Man : NO, I couldn't find her head.
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Postby Hokusai » Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:28 am

Paul McCartney bought Heather a Plane for her birthday recently, and a Lady Shave for her other leg.
Yes I know life's not fair.

Carpe Cerevisi
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Postby The Hoff » Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:32 am

johnny e wrote:a man walks into a pub with a big smile on his face.

Barman : you look happy, have you just won the lottery?

Man : Nope. i've just rescued a woman from a railway line and she let me f**k her all night.

Barman : Wow, did she suck you off too?

Man : NO, I couldn't find her head.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :x :lol:
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Postby Monkey_Alan » Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:08 am

Why should you never fuck a midget with downs syndrome?

Because it aint big and it aint clever :shock:
When the shit goes down, you better be ready....
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Postby Monkey_Alan » Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:52 pm

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning and as they walk through the Ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show
a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down " Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver. " he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat. Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut and says " Now, tell HIM you've got a fuckin' headache. "
When the shit goes down, you better be ready....
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Postby lardyarse » Wed Jun 21, 2006 6:47 pm

Image
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Postby Chewbecca » Wed Jun 21, 2006 9:43 pm

ooh, that's low! :lol:
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Postby bigfeller » Fri Jun 23, 2006 7:51 am

Two south african miners wake up in hospital after an accident at work. One turns to the other and says "Aww shit Johan, I've lost me leg ! How will I support the family? Who on earth will want a one legged gold digger?"

Johan thinks for a moment, then says " You should speak to Paul McCartney,mate"
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Postby hermen » Fri Jun 23, 2006 1:26 pm

What's the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of babies?
















You can't pitch-fork sand
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Postby jimo69 » Sat Jun 24, 2006 8:57 am

lardyarse wrote:Image

very much lol. one of the funniest things i've ever read :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink:
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Postby Bigjohn » Mon Jun 26, 2006 8:35 pm

> A man entered his favorite restaurant and sat at his regular table. After
>looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all
>alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most
>expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted
>the bottle, she would be his. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and
>said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the
>sender.
>
>She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
>decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for
>a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The
>note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
>your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".
>After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
>return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
>return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari
>Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
>There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even for
>a woman as beautiful
>as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
......Rubber Duck this is Pig Pen, I'm gonna put the hammer down..........

Image
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Postby malpractice » Mon Jun 26, 2006 8:54 pm

Image
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Postby johnny e » Tue Jun 27, 2006 9:24 pm

what's got 100 feet and stinks of piss?



The conga at an old peoples home.....
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Postby Snowfun » Wed Jun 28, 2006 2:17 pm

Some reviews of "Anne Franks Diaries" from unnamed website

"It was a bit dull truth be told"

" Given that the Nazi's were so camp surely there was comedy to be had there."

"Great writers have good imaginations., She should have tried harder IMO"

" "I'm expecting much more from the sequel"

" Bit of a shit ending"

" obvious wasn't it ?..saw it coming a mile off "

:lol:
if its not snow its water
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Postby Grizzly » Wed Jul 12, 2006 2:34 pm

This made me cack myself laughing:

Image

This, and many more, from:
http://70.86.201.113/imageserv2/stilltemporary/archive.html

It's well worth a peek :lol: :lol:
Gorau dial, dangos cwm a'i ffadau.
http://singlefin.blogspot.com
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Postby slip dog » Wed Jul 12, 2006 5:17 pm

Best day of my life . Walking down the aisle towards my wife, everyone smiling. Vicar said a few nice words, i gave her a kiss. And shut the fucking coffin. :lol:
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Postby Snowfun » Thu Jul 13, 2006 1:20 pm

A woman with no legs just won the world strawberry picking championships!
.
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jammy cunt though in my opinion
if its not snow its water
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